Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Friend
Yesterday I had a long discussion with Sonali on definition of a friend. Since then I am not able to remove the subject from my mind.
Friendship and relationship are two important characteristics of human being. How do we describe a friend?
For me “A friend is someone with whom I can share my views, on whose shoulder I can cry. I will share my joy with everyone but my sorrow with a friend”. The friendship should be free from any expectation and any burden. Does this description look like too clinical devoid of any emotions?
I am not sure about the friendship we see in movies; ‘ye dosti hum nehi todenge’. Permanent friendship, friends give up their life for each other. How true are they? I feel that the dynamism of human character makes it rather difficult, if not impossible to make permanent friendship. Let me illustrate:
From childhood we make friendship with different people at different stages of our life. Today I find that I don’t relate to most of my childhood friends. Whenever we meet we cannot go beyond ‘hello, how are you, how many children, what are they doing etc. etc.’ maximum of 5 minutes’ conversation. And once they were my closest friends!
The friendship formed during our teens are more mature because by this time our life has taken certain direction i.e. we have just came out of one relationship i.e. relationship with our parents, we have opened our eyes, the mind is ready to form new relationship. So the friendship formed during this period are more lasting ones.
Once we are out of our teens, then again there is a restriction in bonding friendship. Now our steps are measured, we are more career concerned, hence we start choosing our friends by their status and all kinds of materialistic factors.
Practically forming of friendship is something like this:
You meet a person, like him/her, find some common interest, interact with each other, realise a deeper understanding - bond is formed,
Start taking interest in your friends liking and disliking, in his/her sorrow and happiness, in his/her well-being and prosperity - the bond gets deeper.
That’s why the saying goes that the friendship matures with age like wine. The more time we give to the friendship the stronger it becomes.
But one important factor in this bonding is, respect for each other. We should respect the likings and disliking of our friend. Most of the friendships fail when this understanding is missed.
I would talk about relationship another time but as friendship also is a relationship, we must abide by the cardinal rules of relationship: leave space for each other, leave space for individual growth, leave space for individual's aspirations, let’s allow the friend to live his/her own life, let’s not judge our friend with our principles and prejudices, let’s not force our way of life on him/her, let’s not suffocate him/her with the bondage of friendship.
Friendship and relationship are two important characteristics of human being. How do we describe a friend?
For me “A friend is someone with whom I can share my views, on whose shoulder I can cry. I will share my joy with everyone but my sorrow with a friend”. The friendship should be free from any expectation and any burden. Does this description look like too clinical devoid of any emotions?
I am not sure about the friendship we see in movies; ‘ye dosti hum nehi todenge’. Permanent friendship, friends give up their life for each other. How true are they? I feel that the dynamism of human character makes it rather difficult, if not impossible to make permanent friendship. Let me illustrate:
From childhood we make friendship with different people at different stages of our life. Today I find that I don’t relate to most of my childhood friends. Whenever we meet we cannot go beyond ‘hello, how are you, how many children, what are they doing etc. etc.’ maximum of 5 minutes’ conversation. And once they were my closest friends!
The friendship formed during our teens are more mature because by this time our life has taken certain direction i.e. we have just came out of one relationship i.e. relationship with our parents, we have opened our eyes, the mind is ready to form new relationship. So the friendship formed during this period are more lasting ones.
Once we are out of our teens, then again there is a restriction in bonding friendship. Now our steps are measured, we are more career concerned, hence we start choosing our friends by their status and all kinds of materialistic factors.
Practically forming of friendship is something like this:
You meet a person, like him/her, find some common interest, interact with each other, realise a deeper understanding - bond is formed,
Start taking interest in your friends liking and disliking, in his/her sorrow and happiness, in his/her well-being and prosperity - the bond gets deeper.
That’s why the saying goes that the friendship matures with age like wine. The more time we give to the friendship the stronger it becomes.
But one important factor in this bonding is, respect for each other. We should respect the likings and disliking of our friend. Most of the friendships fail when this understanding is missed.
I would talk about relationship another time but as friendship also is a relationship, we must abide by the cardinal rules of relationship: leave space for each other, leave space for individual growth, leave space for individual's aspirations, let’s allow the friend to live his/her own life, let’s not judge our friend with our principles and prejudices, let’s not force our way of life on him/her, let’s not suffocate him/her with the bondage of friendship.
Comments:
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"For me “A friend is someone with whom I can share my views, on whose shoulder I can cry. I will share my joy with everyone but my sorrow with a friend”. The friendship should be free from any expectation and any burden. Does this description look like too clinical devoid of any emotions?"
To me it looks fine.
"I feel that the dynamism of human character makes it rather difficult, if not impossible to make permanent friendship. "
Yes I agree, people change, if you dont maybe your friend might change, either way, quality of friendship will be affected, either positively or negatively.
"Now our steps are measured, we are more career concerned, hence we start choosing our friends by their status and all kinds of materialistic factors."
Well I still have to reach that point in life..I am just starting out, but it makes sense...however, true friendship wont be affected by status etc, I think.
"That’s why the saying goes that the friendship matures with age like wine. The more time we give to the friendship the stronger it becomes."
Well said. I agree. I have had a bad experience though, someone I knew since many years, someone who I considered (and everyone else considered) to be one of my close friends, gave me a present for my marriage. Now I was very excited about it and all but saw that the box in which the present was, was in a bad shape and was not sealed(like how it should be if it was new). When I opened the box, I got the shock of my life...it was a set of cookware, but all used !!! No packing or anything to show that it is a new item, inside or on the box, at all. It was like they had an extra set of cookware which they used once and then decided to give it away. Earlier also there were some small small incidences which made me think how can this person be so cheap or low-level...but I excused it away thinking that ok maybe some mistake or something. But this cannot be a mistake in anyway.
We have learnt that it is not the gift but the thought which counts, but this is taking it tooooooo far. I have since then just stopped interacting with those people altogether. Do you think I did the right thing ? Do you think I am right in the analysis of that friend ?
-Sonali
To me it looks fine.
"I feel that the dynamism of human character makes it rather difficult, if not impossible to make permanent friendship. "
Yes I agree, people change, if you dont maybe your friend might change, either way, quality of friendship will be affected, either positively or negatively.
"Now our steps are measured, we are more career concerned, hence we start choosing our friends by their status and all kinds of materialistic factors."
Well I still have to reach that point in life..I am just starting out, but it makes sense...however, true friendship wont be affected by status etc, I think.
"That’s why the saying goes that the friendship matures with age like wine. The more time we give to the friendship the stronger it becomes."
Well said. I agree. I have had a bad experience though, someone I knew since many years, someone who I considered (and everyone else considered) to be one of my close friends, gave me a present for my marriage. Now I was very excited about it and all but saw that the box in which the present was, was in a bad shape and was not sealed(like how it should be if it was new). When I opened the box, I got the shock of my life...it was a set of cookware, but all used !!! No packing or anything to show that it is a new item, inside or on the box, at all. It was like they had an extra set of cookware which they used once and then decided to give it away. Earlier also there were some small small incidences which made me think how can this person be so cheap or low-level...but I excused it away thinking that ok maybe some mistake or something. But this cannot be a mistake in anyway.
We have learnt that it is not the gift but the thought which counts, but this is taking it tooooooo far. I have since then just stopped interacting with those people altogether. Do you think I did the right thing ? Do you think I am right in the analysis of that friend ?
-Sonali
P.S. Looks like you havent started word veri...2 spam comments already. You do know how to delete them right ?
No I don't know how to remove comments, looking for your guidence. I shall install the word veri tomorrow.
Your friend's (so-called) story is something extra ordinary. I have never heard of any similar incident. As I said, mutual respect is the most important aspect in friendship. Personally I am very lucky. Till date I have only wonderful friends. Maybe becasue I am very choosy about making friends.
Your friend's (so-called) story is something extra ordinary. I have never heard of any similar incident. As I said, mutual respect is the most important aspect in friendship. Personally I am very lucky. Till date I have only wonderful friends. Maybe becasue I am very choosy about making friends.
"Your friend's (so-called) story is something extra ordinary. "
Yes but unfortunately its not just a story but a real life incidence. But you did not answer my questions...Do you think I did the right thing ? Do you think I am right in the analysis of that friend ?
Yes but unfortunately its not just a story but a real life incidence. But you did not answer my questions...Do you think I did the right thing ? Do you think I am right in the analysis of that friend ?
You were absolutely right. Normally being associated with this type of people only creates headache. It becomes irritating as you cannot forgive and you cannot forget. And the most irritating part is the person concerned are not affected, only the victim has to bear all the discomfort.
But I hope I am not creating some domestic disharmony by this comment. Because if the person is close to or related to your husband, it will be defintely advisable to look in a different perspective. We sometime need to accomodate and adjust depending upon the circumstances.
But I hope I am not creating some domestic disharmony by this comment. Because if the person is close to or related to your husband, it will be defintely advisable to look in a different perspective. We sometime need to accomodate and adjust depending upon the circumstances.
Thanks for the advice. I try to adjust, but I keep feeling the more we associate with them, we will also sink to their level and if those people behave in the same way with others, and others seem them with us, even our reputation will take a beating...you are known by the company you keep, to some extent atleast. But anyways, I made my decision, I cant stand them anymore. Lets see.
Not related. But friends yes, and they became my friends through him (before marriage)...even then I had my doubts about them.
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