Thursday, November 23, 2006
Live-in relationship and marriage
The recent enactment of law against domestic violence has opened up one debate of Live-in Relationship. Today let me ponder on the subject.
Firstly let me make my position clear. Personally I believe that Live-in relationship is an act of escapism from responsibility. The marriage calls for some responsibility from both the partners. I am sorry to say that the present generation has less sense of responsibility and the live-in relationship is one of the manifestations of that lack of sense of responsibility. Again let me make it clear that it is my personal opinion.
There are n nos. of arguments regarding the difficulties of a failed marriage. How people are forced to endure failed marriages due to non-availability of alternatives, social stigma etc. etc. Some of the proponents of live-in relationship give this example to uphold the usefulness of live-in relationship.
Let us take the issues one by one.
The extension of the above said act to the live-in relationship itself is an acceptance of the fact that the live-in relationship does not help anyone from the abuse by a partner. Rather it counters the basic premises of the live-in relationship. It is a matter of serious review how the live-in relationship can be affected by domestic violence. Because we generally presume that this course of life is chosen by individuals with stronger mental set up. It is a matter of debate how they cannot get away from the relationship. Anyway let’s not argue on that, as looks like, it is a fact that this relationship also is subject to domestic violence.
The second argument is that the Live-in relationship can be used as a pre-parital arrangement to find out the compatibility of the partners. Which is a fallacy. The very essence of marriage is understanding and adjustment, which cannot be expected from the Live-in relationship. By accepting to a live-in relationship the couple agrees that they are not in favor of any adjustments and understandings.
One more point I would like to stress upon is that; it is also a kind of mental insecurity of the persons involved. Some of them may try it, as it is the in-thing to do, some of them to show their independence and some of them are just to follow a hep lifestyle followed by who and who of the society.
But I believe that if a couple decides to have a live-in relationship instead of marriage for the convenience, it should be fine. In today’s life some people have different meaning of life. A carefree life where personal comfort and career is more important than relationship. Some people may find it more comfortable to have a relationship without the sanctity of marriage. Sometime back it was reported in one of the magazines, that a substantial no. of urban populace are reluctant to take up the hassle of children. I may find it selfish but there is nothing wrong in that. Once the premises of the relationship are drawn out, any relationship would be good enough when both the parties agree to that. But let’s agree to that, instead of giving some other excuses like failed marriages etc. etc.
Here I would also like to talk about love marriage and arranged marriage. Here again it is statistically proved that love marriages are much more fragile than arranged marriages, which itself counters the argument that premarital relationship helps in finding compatible partners. The reason put forward are; in arranged marriages the individual normally do not like to break the marriage, due to social pressure and forced to endure the trauma. Which I find generally not to be true. Yes there are incidences, but if you analyze, the percentage should be very low. I feel the arranged marriages are much more strong because they have a wider support structure. There arises occasions when the couple find themselves incompatible, but with little nudge and support from the elders, they find ways of adjusting thus saving the marriage.
I have another small problem, which may not be directly related to the issue. The obsession of a section of people of declaring their sexual preferences in public. I don’t have problem of gay and lesbians for their choice of sexual behavior, but I have problem with their announcements. Why cannot they keep their sexual preference inside their bedroom or for that matter whatever room they choose, as long they are inside four walls. (I don’t have any problem of Shane Warne using hotel broom room for one of his sexual escapades, or was it another sportsperson?)
The matter of premarital and preparital sex is another case of debate.
I will recount an incident I witnessed long time back. I visited one place called Kop para near Dhalbhumgarh, now in Jharkhand on the West Bengal-jharkhand-Orissa border. I attended one village fair of the tribals on the occasion of Makar Sankranti. The setting was something like this; there was a banyan tree in the middle of a market. From late afternoon young girls and boys started assembling wearing their best dresses. When darkness of the evening fell upon the area the girls started dancing around the banyan tree. The boys, fully attired including bow and arrow, some even with country made rifles on their shoulders, were the onlookers. I found some of he boys carrying lanterns, petromaxes. I was a bit surprised that none of them bothered to hang the lights for providing permanent lighting; rather they were carrying individual lights for their own purpose. I was a small boy of 17/18. As the night progressed I noticed that the crowd was getting thinner but did not bother to find out the reason. As I was too tired, walked more than 10/15 kms to reach the spot, I was tired and did not realize when I slept. When I woke up I found myself under the banyan tree no one around. The early morning darkness was still there. As I proceeded towards my host’s house I found couples in the act anywhere and everywhere behind bushes, fields.
Afterward I was told that the fair is used for marriage. Boys and girls assemble there, choose their partners, live there for 3 days and at the end, if find themselves compatible, take the bride home. If not, both of them go back to their respective homes and wait for the next year.
(Since long, every year, I plan to go there once more to find out if the custom is followed till now, but somehow not able to find time).
Here we find the people having preparital sex. But if we look closely we find that you cannot call it a preparital sex. It is a matter of only three days. Rather I will call it an extended version of the marriage, only here the sex comes before marriage, and one can term it as a honeymoon before marriage.
I would like to advice my young friends against premarital sex not for any moral reasons; rather for the simple reason that it robs the marriage of two of its vital ingredients; expectation and anticipation.
Firstly let me make my position clear. Personally I believe that Live-in relationship is an act of escapism from responsibility. The marriage calls for some responsibility from both the partners. I am sorry to say that the present generation has less sense of responsibility and the live-in relationship is one of the manifestations of that lack of sense of responsibility. Again let me make it clear that it is my personal opinion.
There are n nos. of arguments regarding the difficulties of a failed marriage. How people are forced to endure failed marriages due to non-availability of alternatives, social stigma etc. etc. Some of the proponents of live-in relationship give this example to uphold the usefulness of live-in relationship.
Let us take the issues one by one.
The extension of the above said act to the live-in relationship itself is an acceptance of the fact that the live-in relationship does not help anyone from the abuse by a partner. Rather it counters the basic premises of the live-in relationship. It is a matter of serious review how the live-in relationship can be affected by domestic violence. Because we generally presume that this course of life is chosen by individuals with stronger mental set up. It is a matter of debate how they cannot get away from the relationship. Anyway let’s not argue on that, as looks like, it is a fact that this relationship also is subject to domestic violence.
The second argument is that the Live-in relationship can be used as a pre-parital arrangement to find out the compatibility of the partners. Which is a fallacy. The very essence of marriage is understanding and adjustment, which cannot be expected from the Live-in relationship. By accepting to a live-in relationship the couple agrees that they are not in favor of any adjustments and understandings.
One more point I would like to stress upon is that; it is also a kind of mental insecurity of the persons involved. Some of them may try it, as it is the in-thing to do, some of them to show their independence and some of them are just to follow a hep lifestyle followed by who and who of the society.
But I believe that if a couple decides to have a live-in relationship instead of marriage for the convenience, it should be fine. In today’s life some people have different meaning of life. A carefree life where personal comfort and career is more important than relationship. Some people may find it more comfortable to have a relationship without the sanctity of marriage. Sometime back it was reported in one of the magazines, that a substantial no. of urban populace are reluctant to take up the hassle of children. I may find it selfish but there is nothing wrong in that. Once the premises of the relationship are drawn out, any relationship would be good enough when both the parties agree to that. But let’s agree to that, instead of giving some other excuses like failed marriages etc. etc.
Here I would also like to talk about love marriage and arranged marriage. Here again it is statistically proved that love marriages are much more fragile than arranged marriages, which itself counters the argument that premarital relationship helps in finding compatible partners. The reason put forward are; in arranged marriages the individual normally do not like to break the marriage, due to social pressure and forced to endure the trauma. Which I find generally not to be true. Yes there are incidences, but if you analyze, the percentage should be very low. I feel the arranged marriages are much more strong because they have a wider support structure. There arises occasions when the couple find themselves incompatible, but with little nudge and support from the elders, they find ways of adjusting thus saving the marriage.
I have another small problem, which may not be directly related to the issue. The obsession of a section of people of declaring their sexual preferences in public. I don’t have problem of gay and lesbians for their choice of sexual behavior, but I have problem with their announcements. Why cannot they keep their sexual preference inside their bedroom or for that matter whatever room they choose, as long they are inside four walls. (I don’t have any problem of Shane Warne using hotel broom room for one of his sexual escapades, or was it another sportsperson?)
The matter of premarital and preparital sex is another case of debate.
I will recount an incident I witnessed long time back. I visited one place called Kop para near Dhalbhumgarh, now in Jharkhand on the West Bengal-jharkhand-Orissa border. I attended one village fair of the tribals on the occasion of Makar Sankranti. The setting was something like this; there was a banyan tree in the middle of a market. From late afternoon young girls and boys started assembling wearing their best dresses. When darkness of the evening fell upon the area the girls started dancing around the banyan tree. The boys, fully attired including bow and arrow, some even with country made rifles on their shoulders, were the onlookers. I found some of he boys carrying lanterns, petromaxes. I was a bit surprised that none of them bothered to hang the lights for providing permanent lighting; rather they were carrying individual lights for their own purpose. I was a small boy of 17/18. As the night progressed I noticed that the crowd was getting thinner but did not bother to find out the reason. As I was too tired, walked more than 10/15 kms to reach the spot, I was tired and did not realize when I slept. When I woke up I found myself under the banyan tree no one around. The early morning darkness was still there. As I proceeded towards my host’s house I found couples in the act anywhere and everywhere behind bushes, fields.
Afterward I was told that the fair is used for marriage. Boys and girls assemble there, choose their partners, live there for 3 days and at the end, if find themselves compatible, take the bride home. If not, both of them go back to their respective homes and wait for the next year.
(Since long, every year, I plan to go there once more to find out if the custom is followed till now, but somehow not able to find time).
Here we find the people having preparital sex. But if we look closely we find that you cannot call it a preparital sex. It is a matter of only three days. Rather I will call it an extended version of the marriage, only here the sex comes before marriage, and one can term it as a honeymoon before marriage.
I would like to advice my young friends against premarital sex not for any moral reasons; rather for the simple reason that it robs the marriage of two of its vital ingredients; expectation and anticipation.
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